By Donna Hoffmeyer
(Original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
The term “commitment” has been weighing on my mind lately.
After a little over 18 months post-retirement, I am starting to get back out and engage with people again. Interestingly, I found it has caused me a little mental distress. Most people see me as an extrovert, chatting away, always interested in people…and for the most part, it is true. However, there is another side of me that is an introvert, exhausted by being around people that I find to be energy zappers and enjoy time alone in my own thoughts.
One of those categories of energy zappers are people who make a commitment, but either do not follow through at all or only partly follow through on their commitment.
I recently accepted a position on a board. It is new for me, so when training was offered, I took advantage of it. Part of the discussion was briefly about selecting board members. The trainer made a comment that resonated with me, “There are people that use boards for status, more than they want to bring about change. If someone is on 5–6 other boards, you probably should question their ability to commit.”
Have we all committed to something, only to realize after the fact, that we truly do not have the time to give to what we promised? Mmmmhmmmm…I’ll sheepishly raise my hand. We’re human, it happens. If you’re anything like me, I want to jump into all kinds of adventures and try all kinds of different things, but sometimes without weighing it against my available time.
Let me start by saying it is okay! Our good intentions sometimes get the best of us.
What you do next is the critical part. Let me give a couple of examples:
I was offered two different jobs, at two different points in my life. The first one was running a few clinics that were about an hour apart. The second one was a full-time military position that would require me to also keep up with my reserve military position.
At the time of the first job offer, I had a 2 ½-year-old child and a husband who was out of town more than he was in town. With the second job offer, I had two children under the age of 5, and a husband that was still gone more than he was home.
Each time I tried to convince myself these would be financially sound choices, and I led them to believe I was going to take the job. Keep in mind, these were jobs that were mine if I wanted them. I was being directly hired.
As the deadline to get the paperwork in for each of the jobs neared, I realized I wouldn’t be able to give what was required. I had the worst sinking feeling, knowing I made promises that I wouldn’t be able to keep.
In both instances, I talked to the person hiring me and had an honest discussion. In both instances, I received the same comments. “Donna, I am glad you realized it before you took the job.” One even went so far as to say, “If you want a job in the future, you will always be welcomed.”
I’ve been on the receiving side of this too. I recently was getting ready to onboard a person for a project I am working on. I was excited, as I felt this person was going to be the perfect fit. Fifteen minutes before the meeting I received a text from this person. Her current boss experienced a tragic loss the night before, and she felt she needed to help her out any way she needed. I thanked her for her honesty, told her I hoped our paths crossed in the future, and wished her the best. That is someone I would work within a heartbeat.
Honest communication and managed expectations are what we are talking about folks.
Sometimes we commit, only to find out the commitment is more than we anticipated. My son came home one day talking about the Boy Scouts. I knew what the commitment was, as our neighbor’s son was in it, and they stopped because the commitment was more than they could handle. When I explained this to him, we both agreed it was more than either of us could take on at the time.
I am on a committee that started with a team of six people (including myself). These were people who were at the initial meeting and filled out paperwork listing which committees they wanted to be on. I received the list and reached out to the team, but only one responded. When I followed up, this was the response:
- One was brought to the meeting by his friend who promised him this group could help him with his business. The person lived over an hour away, and he stated it was too far of a commute.
- One never responded to any correspondence.
- One came up to me after the initial meeting, eager to get going, and then never responded to any further correspondence.
This left me with two people.
In one sense, I found it slightly frustrating. Do I understand we are all juggling work, home, and family? Absolutely. Every person is freely giving their time to these committees. But seriously, if you commit and realize you cannot offer up that time, then why not just communicate this? It lets others know what you can or cannot offer and allows the committee to move forward without being disappointed and frustrated when there is no follow-through.
Even better, how about managing expectations? When you go into a situation, why not lead in with how much time you have to offer? Anyone who is bringing on a volunteer is just happy to have any level of help. So, be upfront, tell them what you can truly offer, and if you have a little more time, well bonus. Better to offer a little less and give more than vice versa.
In another sense, not responding was a response in itself. It was up to me to understand I needed to take that response as a sign to keep moving forward without them.
This doesn’t just apply to volunteering, it applies to all aspects of our life. Work, significant other, kids, family, friends, etc…. Have you been in project meetings, where the tasks have been divided up, and the one person that failed to come through is the one with the key task needed to move forward? Mmmhmmm…I have. I still shake my head just thinking about it.
Over time, a few things happen. Someone either picks up the dropped ball to keep things moving, or they do not, and let the project fail. In the process team energy and dynamics change, the slacker becomes ostracized, and people will be more resistant to jump into future projects with this person.
What about a business that does not follow through with their commitment? A good friend of mine is going through this right now. The landscapers messed up and ended up breaking a main waterline. The very first thing the OWNER said to her was that it was not his team’s fault. Think she’ll hire them again or refer others to them? Highly doubtful.
Have you committed something to your children and not followed through? (Again, sheepishly raising my hand.). They kindly reminded me in exasperation. Now, I carefully and clearly manage expectations first. If I do commit, I follow through.
The person not following through may not be aware of their impact, but it is pretty massive.
They are losing trust.
I had a former co-worker tell me how the chaos had greatly settled down at a previous job. I didn’t say a word (it would have been pointless), but I smiled to myself because I had customers tell me they do not even bother to call anymore because they can never get through, or they do not follow through with what they promise.
“When you make a commitment, you create hope. When you keep a commitment you create trust.” ~John C. Maxwell
Commitment = trust. When people do not trust you, your world becomes very quiet. You might interpret that as everything is under control; yet, in reality, it is just the opposite. People do not reach out to people they do not trust. Yes, when people are asking you to become part of something; or bringing you problems, questions, or concerns, it can feel overwhelming. However, the other perspective is that they trust you enough to want you to be part of their “something”, or feel that you are trusting enough to help them solve their dilemma.
Can you afford to NOT have people trust you?
Business owners, is that a risk you want to take? If your staff does not trust you to follow through, will they remain loyal to you? Will they put a priority on following through with your customers?
Volunteers, are you aware of the strain you are putting on places needing help from volunteers?
Co-workers, do you understand the impact you have when you do not pull your weight?
Parents, what are you teaching your kids?
You see where this turns into a big old toilet bowl effect, right? If no one is talking to you, how can you course correct? If you ignore the feedback, well, the outcome is on you.
“Most people fail, not because of a lack of desire, but because of a lack of commitment.” ~Vince Lombardi
We are all going to have periods where we over-commit ourselves. Sometimes we can manage it when it is a short period. Other times it is way too much for us to handle. Owning it goes a long way in building trust. When people know what to expect from you, it translates to trust.
Veterans, keep this in mind when you are transitioning out of the military. We are known for our dedication and commitment to completing the mission at any cost. When we transition out, we tend to want to keep busy, when in reality we need to do the complete opposite. As you enter the civilian world, do so gently. Take a little time for yourself, do not over-commit. If you do commit to anything…start SLOW! Offer less than what you feel you can handle. If you find you can do more, great. If not, keep lines of communication open and be honest.
And to all of you that manage expectations and honor your commitments…THANK YOU for your dedication, consistency, and example for others to follow.
