By Donna Hoffmeyer
(original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
You did it. You actually did it. You took the plunge and executed flawlessly.
You surprised everyone. I was in complete shock when I heard the news. I thought I was being pranked at first.
Mitch, the guy you were helping with his college math course, was in disbelief. He couldn’t understand how someone so sweet, gentle, and kind could pull it off. What you may not have realized was he had a crush on you and was getting the courage to ask you out.
Lana, the barista at the coffee shop you regularly stopped at looked forward when you stopped in and chatted. You didn’t know she was battling depression, and your smile, kind words, and positive energy always brought her spirits up.
Sage, your friend you met online. The one that confided in you that she is in a domestically violent relationship. The one you were helping develop a safe exit strategy. She fell to her knees and wept when she heard the news. I do not think you understood how much of a lifeline you were to her. You were the first person she dared to divulge her hellish situation. She doesn’t know what made her confide in you, but she is so thankful for you. She feels guilty she brought you all her baggage and never knew you were struggling since you left the military.
The elderly couple, Joe and Iris, live in the apartment across the hallway from you. It was so hard to break the news to them. You were like the child they were never able to conceive. They adored you. You were the biggest help to them; always bringing them groceries when the weather was inclement; cooking huge meals for them, just so they had leftovers; and sharing a laugh. In your mind you were just helping out a neighbor; they cherished the memories. They never told you they cut every article about you and saved it in a memory book.
Remember going to the elementary school and sharing your story about bullying? You didn’t tell them how to stop the bully; you told them how to invest in themselves and used yourself as an example. One of those ways was learning martial arts. What you didn’t know was how it motivated a little girl to sign up for martial arts classes in hopes of defending herself against her predatory family member.
Oh, and the martial arts studio you volunteered at to teach kids.,,well, the kids just know you are not coming back. No one knows how to tell them the story. You had no idea there was a brother and sister there who eagerly looked forward to your class. You taught in a way that allowed them to laugh and learn. That hour they spent with you was a break from the constant yelling between their parents.
Your civilian co-workers are stunned. They knew you as a bit of an introvert, but always friendly and kind. Most of them didn’t know you that well, because you always kept to yourself, quietly working on your projects. But one that did take the time to get to know you is nearly falling apart. Your strength and kind words were her inspiration to begin to deal with her alcoholism. She was working up the courage to confide in you.
Your military buddies heard the news. They were on the same deployment that went bad. They are struggling too. The news of you sent a few of them back to their therapist. Since you separated right after the deployment, moved, and lost contact with them, you may not have realized they have been wrestling with survivor’s guilt too. Your commander is beside himself. It’s the third person he has lost from his deployed unit. It was also his first time as a deployed commander. Even though you left, and tried to move on, you were still part of their family and they worried about you. They’ve already reached out to your parents to see what they could do to help.
Your therapist, Colleen, was rooting for you. She wished more than anything you would have kept coming to her longer than 6 months. However, she was so proud of the milestones you had made while working with her. Although she knows there are a few people who cannot overcome their wounds, she didn’t categorize you in that group. You didn’t know this, but she often used you (anonymously) as an example to others. She has only been a therapist for 5 years and has not slept since she heard the news. She is reviewing every meeting in her mind; trying to figure out what she missed.
Seth, your little brother, was devastated. You were his best friend; his confidant, his venting ear, his crying shoulder, and his life mentor. He thought the relationship was reciprocal. He’s wondering why you didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to him. He never really knew exactly what you did when you were in the military. Did you feel he couldn’t handle it? He never told you, but he saved all your words of encouragement voicemails and listens to them when he’s having a rough day. He’s so thankful he still has them.
Your Mom hasn’t spoken a word since she found out. She doesn’t have to; the tears streaming down her face say it all. She knew deployment and military life had changed you. She just didn’t know how drastically different your inside was from your outside. Mothers are supposed to know. She is beating herself up over not seeing more signs.
Your Dad has been pacing all day and talking to himself. What did we miss? She was always smiling when we saw her. She’s my little girl, why didn’t she reach out? Did anyone else see the signs? He’s been clutching his favorite picture of you and him all day.
Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins cannot understand how this could have happened. It surely must have been an accident. No one with a heart as big, and smile as beautiful as yours, could do something so horrible. You saved lives when you deployed. Taking a life was not in your design.
I lost you. My best friend, my partner in crime. I know you had rough days, sometimes a rough week. The stress of work, relationship issues, family drama…we both were dealing with them while supporting each other. I saw the change in you after deployment. Whatever happened there was the real trauma that was consuming you inside. The stuff you didn’t talk about. Now I realize all the other drama was a cover for the real issue. I knew you sought professional help, and I was proud of you for taking that step. I didn’t realize you had stopped after 6 months. I am so mad at myself for not seeing the pain inside. It will eat at me forever.
Your pain is gone; ours will take a while.
This is not one specific person’s story. However, I am sure this story has many relatable parts. If you are struggling, please stay in the fight. Do not give up. You may feel alone but remind yourself it may only be a moment in time. It may seem dark, but only because you cannot see in darkness. You may not feel valued, but only because you are not aware of how your presence on this earth has impacted others. They may not all understand your pain, but none of them want you in pain. Keep fighting.
You are valued. You are worthy. You are loved.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line text HELLO to 741741
Veterans Crisis Line
1–800–273–8255 and Press 1 to talk to someone
Text message to 838255 to connect with a VA responder
Veterans Crisis Chat confidential online chat
