By Donna Hoffmeyer
(original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
God bless this ADHD brain, it is good for something every once in a while…random, out-of-the-box thoughts are one of them. This idea just popped into my mind last week and has been ruminating there until now.
Every single thing in this world has a dark side. Everything.
Okay, dark may be too intense of a descriptor for some things…but it is the yin to the yang. There is no good without bad, light without dark, up without down, black without white. Those are ideas most of us are familiar with.
However, as I sat and thought about this, I realized this also plays into actual day-to-day life.
I do not care how amazing or how interesting the job you have is, there is a downside to it. It does not matter what it is…promotion, new career, changing careers. There is something distasteful.
Sometimes what you love the most is the thing that, over time, becomes the thing you hate.
When I became a nurse what appealed to me was the fast-paced, think-on-my-feet, ever-changing environment. I loved taking care of patients, and seeing them walk out of the hospital in a better state than when they walked in. I loved the irregular hours of working a max of 2–3 days in a row.
And then I had children. And had no sleep. And had no energy.
All those things I loved, I came to hate. The fast pace left me with even less energy; lack of sleep kept my brain foggy; irregular hours left me with limited time with my family. It was a short time after that I decided on a different direction.
I taught college as an adjunct faculty. I loved, loved, loved it. The hours were great, I loved interacting with the students, and the faculty I worked with was awesome. Yet, the commute was stout; I had to put our son in daycare; I spent many hours outside of class preparing and/or grading; and I was paid less than half my pay as a nurse while working more hours.
I found I love writing. It relaxes me and gives me a creative outlet. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a manuscript you finished…except getting it published. And that’s where my love (and many author’s love) for writing ends. The process of getting your words to print is not for the faint of heart. Having to find reputable editors, proofreaders, formatters, and cover artists when you are not an expert in any of the areas is nerve-wracking at best. Then there is marketing…social media posts, reviews, interviews, book events…the list goes on and on. It’s exhausting.
It’s not just career-related…it resides in other parts of life too.
Renting an apartment. Owning a house.
Staying single. Getting married.
Having children. Fostering children. Adopting children. No children.
Traveling. Staying put.
College education. Life education.
Driving. Flying. Sailing.
Running. Jogging. Walking.
Volunteering. Part-time work. Full-time work.
In office work. Teleworking.
Mowing the lawn. Hiring a lawn service.
Cleaning the house. Hiring a housekeeper.
Fame. Anonymous.
Lots of friends. Few friends. No friends.
They are written in categories for ease of reading, but this is not an either-or list. It is just a list of things in life. Each and every one of them has a less-than-desirable side. What matters is how much this dark side offsets the pleasurable side. Most of the time we have no idea or very little idea about the dark side; we become enamored by the “pretty” side and think it won’t be that bad, or we pray it won’t be that bad.
Why write this? What does it matter?
In my humble perspective, it’s awareness. For each job we take, each adventure we encounter, each life choice we make…we have to decide if the dark side overshadows the good side. It is important to continually make that assessment for your well-being.
Veterans, I think this is an important aspect to keep in mind when transitioning. When we are in the military, we often do not get the choice to stay or go at the time of our choosing. We got what we got, and have to make the best of it. This often includes toxic environments. Many of us do not realize, until we are out, that we spent years in survival mode, and then spend years in therapy taking off the armor (ding ding…some of you will get it).
When we are out, we need to evaluate our dark side tolerance. We are at a high risk of putting ourselves back in the same toxic or unhealthy environments. Why? Simply because it is familiar to us.
Crazy, eh?
Change scares most people, even when change is for the good. It is fear of the unknown. To use rooms as an analogy, it feels safer to stay in a dark and dangerous room where they know every nook and cranny, every creaky board, and every threat; than to go into an unfamiliar light, but safe, room.
Once we are out, the road is wide open, and we have choices. SCARY! We need to remember that we do not have to stay in situations where the negative overshadows the positive. At the same time, we need to be willing to take the risk and get out of familiar territory.
Shake. It. Loose.
Get in there! Learn! Find that dark side, and assess it. Is it familiar? Are you playing it safe, staying in your comfort zone…your dark room? Are you in a light room, out of your comfort zone, and nervous? Find those dark spots in the light room. Are they taking up too much space?
You. Have. Choices.
Yes, there is a dark side to everything, but the right amount makes the light shine brighter. We have to accept it, be aware of it, acknowledge it, and appraise it. It is up to you to decide where your boundaries are and honor them.
One last thing to keep in mind. If all you see is darkness, it is time to ask for help to find the light.
