The Critical Lesson We Needed To Grasp In 5th Grade, But Somehow Didn’t
By Donna Hoffmeyer
(Original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
Our daughter is finishing fifth grade in a week. I’m not sure who is more excited…me or her. In the past teachers have told me fifth grade is the toughest of all the elementary years because it is a transition year. The teachers are preparing them for the rigors of middle school, while at the same time, they are having physical, emotional, and mental growth. Although for the latter two, from the outside, it often doesn’t feel like growth. If anything, it feels like we are slipping backward. I’d describe it as a cross between a war zone and gangsta rivalry, with the allies and enemies changing daily.
In one sense, I am grateful she feels comfortable to come talk to me about it. In another sense, it makes my head swim.
So, I look back, remember my fifth-grade days and all subsequent years…oh so long ago…and give her the best advice I have based on 40 years of reflection.
- You are enough. You do not need to change yourself for others.
- You are not responsible for other people’s responses.
- People’s responses, the majority of the time, have nothing to do with you directly.
- You will not resonate with everyone, and everyone will not resonate with you…and it is fine.
- It is not going to get easier in middle school.
- Adulthood is an extension of high school…forever.
And the most important piece of advice… avoid all those distractions that keep you from living your life.
I wish this was advice I had heard and understood at her age. It took me years to understand all that chaos was just an energy vampire, robbing me of the energy to focus on my journey.
At 11 years old, it is difficult to block out all the chaff. At 11 years old, every scenario is new. The highs are really high and the lows can be really low, all because there has not been enough life to compare it to yet. Every emotion is raw, unique, and foreign.
What I find interesting is as we get older and have more life experience, we still allow distractions to keep us from our full potential. Someone, somewhere, at some moment, said something that made us question ourselves. Maybe it was enough to deter us from trying something new. Maybe it was enough to prevent us from moving to the next level. Maybe it was enough for us to lose a piece of ourselves and give up on our dream.
People say things that are limiting for many reasons. Most of the time it is with good intentions. Often because they want us to avoid pain and suffering, they comment to “make us think” before stepping off what they perceive as a cliff. Sometimes, it is because of something they experienced and are fearful of another person experiencing the same. Other times, it is an intentional form of control.
All of it is useless.
Yet, we fall victim to it. We let it put doubt in our minds. We let it alter our intended journey. We use these limitations as false safety nets and rationalize we are protecting ourselves from a potentially worse fate. When in reality, our greatness lies well beyond the safety net.
It was my transition out of the military that allowed me to see this. It made me understand why creative, out-of-the-box, independent thinkers often struggle in the military. I’m not saying they cannot survive, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say they internally thrive.
The military, due to the nature of their business, needs the vast majority of the population to color within the lines. If they are not bought in, there is no way the military could have them perform at the levels needed to complete some of these missions. If you are an independent thinker, one of two things happen. You either start to compromise yourself, and become part of the majority, or you do not compromise yourself, ask why many times, and are looked upon as a variety of terms synonymous with “black sheep”. There are a few shades of gray in there…but in general, this is the way it tends to work.
What I didn’t understand, until I got out, was that the military works very hard to keep independent thinkers in check. There was a constant undertow of rhetoric to try to make you believe you were in the wrong with your thought process. Much like the book Brave New Worlds, the military works hard to keep you within their defined parameters; and when you start to question what is outside of those parameters, they either need to get your thinking back in check, or isolate you to avoid contaminating the rest of the population.
No, I’m not bashing the military. This is just the way it is. Unfortunately, it weeds out a lot of the talent that could bring projects/programs to another level. It is why the young ones, who could see the writing on the wall early on, said “thanks for the ride and benefits’’ and left; why the mid-level people decided to bail while they still had time to pursue a career in the civilian world; and why some of the senior leaders, in for the long haul, looked defeated and frustrated at their ineffectiveness.
I was a defeated and frustrated one.
However, what surprised me was seeing how this affected my thought process after I retired. No one could see it, as it was all internal…and hidden. The reality was, I didn’t fully believe in myself. I didn’t trust that my being was enough to make it on the outside. I was bracing for the waterfall of “no’s” that I heard so many times in the military. I was certain my “black sheep” label was going to carry forward and be met with more people putting verbal limitations on me.
It didn’t happen.
It was just the opposite. These creative ideas and thoughts were being met with positive affirmations. “Wow, that is a great idea!”, “OMG, I want to learn more about your idea!”, “Yes, you should definitely try.”, “Have you considered…”, “Something that might help you…”. I have told many people, that I have heard the word “Yes” more times in the 19 months I have been retired, than my entire military career.
I like to angle my blogs towards the veterans, so my examples may be more military-based, but this really applies to anyone who was in a very disciplined world, a restricted environment, or an environment where you were not valued; and have now moved into an environment with more freedom. You have chains that need to be broken.
I realized the lesson I learned is exactly what I am trying to teach my daughter. Do not let the verbal limitations of others become your limitations. Do not fall victim to verbal lassoes. It is okay to hear people out, but in no way do you have to take their advice if it does not resonate with you. You are in control.
Veterans, especially my independent-minded ones, you may be surprised as you go through transition, to find you had more limitations put on you than you realized. It is hard to be fully immersed in an environment and not absorb some of the rhetoric. We often categorize these limitations as red tape or bureaucracy…and yes that is true on a macro-level. But on a micro-level, it is more than that…it is the continuous dysfunctional low drumbeat that wears us down, puts self-doubt in our abilities, and shackles our belief in ourselves.
Leaders, how are you handling your independent thinkers? Are you embracing them or are you intimidated by them? Look in the mirror when you answer that question. More times than not, I saw leaders marginalize these folks because they didn’t know how to effectively utilize them. At one point I was one of the marginalized when my boss made up a position to put me in, with the hopes of getting me out of his hair. He was pretty disappointed when it did the opposite.
If there is anything I can leave you with, it is this…all lessons serve a purpose. We cannot improve without them. However, it is only when we are removed from the climate that we can learn from these lessons and utilize them for our continued growth. So, as you transition, you must take time for yourself to reflect. It is only time that allows you to reflect more objectively and see where you have allowed yourself to be limited.
So, handle yourself with grace. Take a few months or more, to step back and look deep within yourself. Take inventory of how much chaff you ingested over the years. How much of it caused you to put limitations on yourself? Find those constrictions. Determine why they exist. Then be brave and shed yourself from the phony bonds. It is only at that moment; you will be able to soar to levels you have only imagined.
I pray my daughter learns this lesson early on. It will definitely make middle school easier for her (and me) to handle.
