Humorous New Year Resolutions For The Transitioning Veteran
By Donna Hoffmeyer
(Original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
Every time this time of year comes I think, I really should make a few resolutions. Only to be quickly followed by, Maybe next year. Why? Meh, I choose not to set myself up for failure. I’d rather pat myself on the back when a success comes, rather than be disappointed when I didn’t keep to my resolution. Call what you will… it lacking drive…not up for a challenge…scared of a challenge….lazy. I call it managing expectations.
Apparently I’m not the only one…
According to Discover Happy Habits 2020 statistics, only 27% of the people surveyed made any resolutions for New Years, leaving 73% making no resolutions at all. (Hells bells…It’s not often I’m part of the popular sentiment.)
I blame my laissez-faire approach on the military. Everything was set up on milestones and goals to reach the milestones; projects broken down to goals, with courses of action to reach those goals; courses of actions had steps. Needed? Yes. Want to set my entire life up that way? No thanks…I like a little spontaneity.
Maybe, we are just going about this all wrong. Maybe we are making resolutions that are unattainable. I mean seriously, is it smart to say I’m going to have the ass of a 20 year old model, when I’m pushing 50? Maybe a 40 year old one…but 20…c’mon now…let’s get real.
Same goes for our transitioning veterans. Is it realistic to say your goal is to have six job offers two months after you separate/retire. I know it’s what you’re all hoping for, but you all know you have better odds winning at darts, playing blindfolded and drunk.
Maybe we are making resolutions that are not fun. Maybe we need more resolutions to play more drunk blindfolded darts, and less of how many jobs we can apply for. We gave many many many years to our service and our country., it’s time to let our hair down a bit. So, let’s make a resolution list, for our transitioning service members, we can attempt to honor…or at least get a chuckle while attempting to honor.
- I will attend all days at TAP. (Y’all know you skip as much as you can. I mean, it’s not like you can remember the firehose of information coming at you anyway.)
- I will complete the damn checklists. (No one is specifying how….)
- I will learn the art of marketing myself. (Not to be confused with being an arrogant ass.)
- I will make sure at least some of my hobbies do NOT include the words assault or weapon.
- I will not default to real estate agent, when I am unsure of the civilian career I want to pursue. (This is validated by the numerous friends of mine that are in fact, real estate agents)
- I will not use military slang in the civilian workforce. (Just don’t…)
- I will remind myself civilians have way better boundaries with work. They don’t do it just for the satisfaction of completing the mission. (Probably the quickest way to find yourself jobless.)
- I will not repurpose my military uniforms as civilian attire. (#cammoisnotfashion)
- I will own, and wear, at least one baseball hat that does not have a military reference on it.
- I will keep my hair somewhere between high and tight and the next coming of Jesus.
- I will only exercise enough, to ensure my family will not get more benefit from my retirement check than me.
- I will not end any request with ….and that’s an order.
- I will find hobbies away from home. (This is to keep your family sane.)
- I will have a life after the military. (Spaghetti dinners at the VFW is not a life. Do better…)
To all our transitioning service members, veterans, and all those that have supported our veterans….Happy New Year! Here’s to an awesome 2024!
