Happy Holidays? Bah, Humbug!
By Donna Hoffmeyer
(Original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
Happy Holidays! Happy Thanksgiving! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Happy Kwanza!
Holiday music. Get-togethers. Gatherings. Sharing.
Cheers.
Except for many, there is nothing to cheer. It is a time of struggle.
How does it feel to have to celebrate without the person that made the holidays special?
How do you put on the happy face, when you are worried about keeping the heat on?
How do you look at your children, when you have to choose food over gifts?
Maybe instead of warm, fuzzy memories, the months are tortured memories of endured trauma.
Maybe it is a Veteran isolated, remembering the deployment that went bad; guilt-ridden they still exist, while their battle buddies gave the ultimate sacrifice.
Maybe it is the rape victim that had a happy time of year marred with trauma.
Maybe the holidays are memories of fighting and abuse.
Maybe it is a time of loss versus abundance.
If I were to guess…many of us have no idea these people are all around us.
It is much easier to put on the smile, than to let them see the anguish inside. It is much easier to say “Happy Holidays”, than to be vulnerable and have to deal with the pity looks. It is much easier to put on the mask than to make others feel uncomfortable.
Fake it ’til it’s over is the name of the game.
And if you are uncomfortable reading this…well, then you just validated their responses.
My family knows Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love people coming together, making memories, sharing precious time, baking, eating, reflecting on the past year, and being excited about the coming year.
Yet, I have friends that do not have the same perspective. They have experienced loss, pain, trauma, and/or abuse. It is not a joyful time of year for them. If anything it is distressing. As empathic as I am, I cannot fix their past. I cannot change their memories, nor can I take away their nightmares.
That is not my role, nor anyone else’s.
What we can do is meet them where they are and love them. We can invite them to gatherings, and not be insulted when they say yes and then not show. We can check in with them — a card, a text, an email just saying “Hi”…letting them know someone is thinking of them. Let’s invite them for lunch/coffee at a quiet location, just because we miss them. Send them a special gift, reminding them they matter to us.
We can be present.
We can let them know it is okay to feel…even if the feelings are painful…and that we will be there for them. We can let them talk, be nostalgic, and remember those they lost. We can normalize grieving, pain, and sadness; allow them space to process it, and offer support to help them move through it.
It does not take a lot of effort to just listen without judgment.
This simple act can give light to those in darkness, connection to the isolated, and give hope to the hopeless. It can give them the courage to start investing in themselves. It can be the beginning of their healing.
It can be the first time in a long time they find a reason to smile.
Happy Holidays. Humbugs and all.
