By Donna Hoffmeyer
Okay, the title and concept are a total steal from Brene’ Brown. All you Brene’ Brown naysayers, hush. Witty, sassy, middle-aged, type-A chic trying to better herself (and in turn, others) by being a badass researcher on vulnerability and shame. Oh, and she swears.
Yeah, I’m not ashamed to admit it..she’s my people.
I was listening to her podcast while out jogging with the dog. (I now realize the whole reason we really wear headphones is so you don’t hear yourself sucking air.) The topic was growth. Specifically, how growth stops when we stop putting ourselves in challenging or uncomfortable situations.
Interestingly, as we reach the prime of our life/golden age/pinnacle, we tend to have less interest in putting ourselves out there as much. It’s not that we don’t like the idea of learning or trying something new (e.g. playing a new instrument, learning a new sport, new hair color, changing careers, living in your dream location). We love to think about it, but are more hesitant to put it in motion. Why? We paid our dues, don’t want to go through an unfamiliar experience again, and know how much effort is involved.
No. Thank. You.
This led me to start thinking about Veteran’s transitioning to the civilian world. Senior rankers, I’m talking to you. Those of you that reached the pinnacle of your military career; are the go-to guy/gal; the subject matter expert. Yes, you know I’m talking to all you FGOs/SNCOs. If you retired from the military, and you’re running for safety in that government service job or want to hermitize in your house, this blog is for you.
Fucking first times…we’ve all had them. We probably shudder a little thinking about some of the sink-or-swim situations we were put in. I’ve said a number of times, “So glad I had that experience, but I never want to go through that again.”
Here are few experiences I learned a great deal from, but rather not repeat.
- Unexpectedly, and literally over night, becoming the nurse manager (for the first time) of my unit. The nurse manager was removed from position, but still remained on the unit as a staff nurse.
Yeah, no insecurities at all…nope.
- Appointed the exercise/inspection planner for my reserve unit’s ORE/ORI (for my civilian folk, it lingo for Operational Readiness Exerice and Operational Readiness Inspection). This is what happens when you walk into a unit 6 weeks pregnant. You can’t go to the exercise, so you get to plan it.
Did I mention I had never planned an exercise before? (Yes, we passed.)
- Finding out, in what I thought was a benign meeting, I am now the Chief of Readiness. Yet again, not a lick of readiness background, minus my flight nursing days…10 years prior.
Every time it happened I had to take a deep breath and embrace the suck. Every time I owned it, something interesting happened…it got easier. Hey, I’m not saying when it happened I was thrilled nor was my learning curve any less steep. Nope..not at all…the suck was still there. It just instilled a confidence in me that I could overcome the obstacles. After a while, I went from so-how-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-this, to okay-bring-it-on-I’ll-figure-this-shit-out.
In the meantime, while all these situations are going on, we’re climbing the rank ladder and transitioning from the doers to leaders/mentors. Then one day we are not in the front hard-charging forward; we are in the back steering/guiding/mentoring to help them hit the target set forth…and steeping to the front when we see the cliff coming.
It’s a nice place to be.
We’re wiser. We can see ahead and navigate well before we reach an obstacle versus reaching it and determining if it is easier to go over, under, around or through the obstacle.
We have strategic minds. We can play out multiple moves and see the potential outcomes versus throwing proverbial spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.
We are networked. We can quickly collaborate with others to pave the pathway versus brainstorming with your closest buddies over beers on Friday. (Not knocking Friday beers…I’ve come up with some great ideas over a beer, stale popcorn and a game of pool.)
And then we retire.
We strut out the door with our invisible military biased shades on; completely clueless to how the civilian world functions, but ready to grace them with all our knowledge and skill set. (All my Guard and Reserve folk holding a non-military related civilian job, you have a leg up here.) While we’re thinking how awesome retirement is going to be, we do not see the long, steep staircase of FFTs, we may miss the first step, and down we go. Some of us will dust ourselves off and try again, but for others they may just shy away from some awesome growth opportunities.
I don’t care if you get picked up immediately for a city view, corner office at the corporate job of your dreams; walk out the door and volunteer at the animal shelter; or decide to just be a retiree…you’re going to have lots and lots of FFTs. Big ones, little ones, ones you learn quickly, and ones that take some time to learn.
But wait!, you’re thinking in your head. I’ve already been through my right of passage! I don’t want to go through those learning curves again. I’ll just go get my military related job, because I know that world. Or, I always wanted to [fill in your dream/desire], but I don’t know anything about it and that is a lot to learn. Or, coming ot the realization being the new person is a blow to the ego and you twitch thinking about not being the “go-to” person. I could give hundreds of more “Ors”, but I think you get the picture.
I want to note, I refer to work because it’s easily relatable. But keep in mind this can apply to many situations. Doing anything the first time can be stressful. I drove cross country, with my 10-year-old daughter, two summers ago and I’ve caught myself wondering, before our trip, if I should just fly. I thought about navigating all the major cities; could she keep herself entertained; what if I got low on gas in the middle of nowhere; blah blah blah. Total FFT (and ego hijack). However, if I hadn’t embraced that road trip, I would have missed out on a week of bonding with my daughter; showing her 2300 miles of the US; and seeing friends I hadn’t seen in months and years. Can’t do any of that in a plane.
The key here is to not shy away from FFTs, but to lean into that uncomfortable feeling. It won’t last forever and the growth return is exponential. Besides, being in a first time situation has its perks. When we were younger, it was expected we would make mistakes. It was a byproduct of our learning. Now being more “mature” and wiser, we put the pressure on ourselves to figure it out quickly. Why?
Stop! Learn. Make mistakes. Enjoy being the new person; the fucking first timer. (Oooo…nice ring to it. I think Brene’ would approve.)
Brene’, has a methodology to work through a FFT. Let’s continue to use transition as an example to use this on.
Naming/Identifying the FFT when you are in it.
Yes, you pushed the button…separation or retirement is now official. But, have you told yourself this? Have you looked yourself in the mirror and said “I am leaving the service.” Sounds bonkers, but in reality it is one thing to do the motion and another to acknowledge it. Saying also relates what you are feeling to what is happening. Tell yourself this is an FFT
Normalize it
There are a ton of emotions that occur with transition — before, during and after the event. Guess what…that is normal. Everyone is experiencing crazy emotions…and it is all okay. You are okay. Take a breath; take lots of breaths. Roll with it.
Put it in perspective
Firsts have a shelf life. They don’t last forever. Remind yourself of that. You will not be going through transition for all of eternity. It is a temporary (along with annoying and uncomfortable) state. Embrace it.
Reality check expectations
The expectation may be that transition will be smooth and you are going to have your civilian dream job before you walk out the door. (Cue the Sound of Music) The reality is things may not be smooth at all. Plans may fall through; items break in the move; people are unavailable to sign that godforsaken checklist.
Look at all the unforeseen that occurred when the pandemic hit. My husband’s co-worker had planned to take a contractor job overseas when he retired. When the military started pulling out from Afghanistan, the contractor jobs started drying up. He was months away from retirement and didn’t have a solid back up plan.
Fucking First Times are a permanent temporary state of being. No one can avoid them. It is how you handle them that makes all the difference. Lean in, get out of your comfort zone, humble the ego, embrace being new again and grow; OR stay complacent/safe, live in your legacy, and you will miss amazing opportunities.
Choice is all yours.
I’m off to deal with my current FFT — getting my business fully launched.
And Brene’, if you are reading this, you rock.
