By Donna Hoffmeyer
(original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook yesterday and saw a post from my friend Melanie (aka “Mel”). She was posting pictures of her Mt. Everest journey. I met Mel at one of my first assignments at Davis-Monthan in Tucson, Arizona. She had as much of an adventurous spirit back then as she does now. Seeing her take on Mt. Everest was really not a shock to me. The girl is truly an amazing soul. Unfortunately, she was unable to summit due to symptoms of altitude sickness.
The end of the post caught my attention.
“So while everyone spent another night at 17.3k I slept at 15.8. I ate, I slept, I iced my ankle and I didn’t regret my choice to not climb one bit.”
This made me reflect. How many times have we ignored signs to stop forcing the desired outcome, only to have the eventual outcome far from what we intended? The military is extremely guilty of this practice. Guilty is probably not the right word. It really is more of a necessity. My husband says succinctly, “the military exists to kill people and break things, and put them back together if needed .” If we are not setting up the playing field in our favor to win, then exactly why do we exist? The only choice we have is to win…our freedom depends on it.
The military has entire teams on a variety of levels to set up strategy; anticipate the next moves of the enemy, and be one step ahead of them. It is always with the intention to complete the mission and at any cost. We tuck away the uncomfortable; we see obstacles only as challenges. It is in our ethos, service before self. We will give every single bit of ourselves to ensure the mission is a success. “But did you die?”, is a frequent response to someone telling their account of an arduous mission. Oftentimes, the commitment is at the expense of family and friends. Since we all have this mindset, it is a culture we develop, understand, and accept.
My friend Johnny, would often tell me all the possible obstacles I could run into with an idea I had. I told her I appreciated it because it allowed me to see if it was an obstacle I would have to go over, under, around, or just blow up. There was never a chance the obstacle was going to stop me. In many situations, this is a great mindset to have. Find the issue, figure out the solution, and move forward.
However, there comes a point where this potentially becomes a dangerous mentality; where we push past the caution signs, warnings, and red flags, and take on a myopic view of a situation. The only goal is to get to the intended outcome.
When this occurs, collateral damage is bound to happen.
I see this as an issue that can occur with our transitioning service members. We are going to get out and make it happen; not let it happen…make it happen. We are going to get out there and pave the way. No one and nothing is going to stop us. We have our eye on that prize job. Maybe it is the corporate job, the high-end GS job, the franchise, or the start-up. We talk to headhunters; take classes on networking; reach out to our Veteran friends for connections; hire a resume’ writer to revive the very old, dusty, coffee-stained resume’; build an amazing LinkedIn page; and have every notification alarm set for USA jobs. We’re making it happen.
And then the floor is taken out from under us when nothing happens.
Our stress level goes up. Our interactions with people become less authentic and more determined to make it happen. This comes across less as determination and more as desperation. People can see we are on a mission. When they see us coming, they know it is for a specific reason, and quite possibly may make themselves inconveniently unavailable. We sit back, go over the game plan, and scratch our heads trying to figure out what went wrong.
Making it happen and letting it happen are two very different things.
Letting something happen does not mean one sits back and hopes for the best. Not even close. Letting something happen means a person truly looks at the situation for what it is…not for what they want it to be.
Letting it happen means letting go of the outcome.
Learning how to make pottery is an excellent example. I just started taking classes. It has been an interesting journey, as a complete novice, to learn how to throw pottery. You have the wheel, a piece of clay, a few tools, and an idea of what you want to make. Then you try your best to make it something recognizable to what you envision.
I learned very quickly to let go of what my ideal piece looked like. Right now it is a piece that doesn’t collapse before it gets to the kiln for firing. I learned to start to build slowly. I learned when I went too fast, I ruined it. When I didn’t stop to inspect and see where the weak spots were, and adjust accordingly, it collapsed. When I didn’t check to see if I drilled my hole too deep, I had a weak platform. When I overworked the piece, it fell apart. When I didn’t ask for guidance, I made it harder for myself.
I believe as new Veterans, we are culpable of this. We don’t read the signs very well. We do not slow down to yield and assess the situation, or fully stop to re-evaluate and determine if it is in alignment with ourselves. I am not talking about our desires; those things we think we want because they will bring in financial security, status, or prestige. I’m talking about our most inner selves; what truly resonates within us. The place we are often afraid to go for fear the answer does not match our external desire. Instead, our military training kicks in and we become more resolved to reach our goal…to complete the mission.
I hear the argument. Donna, there are plenty that cannot afford to take downtime. They don’t have time to let things play out. They have bills to pay and a family to feed.
Sure, many cannot go without a lapse of income. I’ll give you that. However, I’ll argue that many are not willing, or afraid, to live on less to make their dream happen. Many didn’t take the time to plan ahead of time to get the outstanding bills paid and lower their income needs during their transition.
I’ll also argue that going out to get a job to have a continued income and benefits, does not mean they cannot still be preparing themselves, and keeping themselves energetically open. for future opportunities.
My final argument is what does one have to lose by trying? I mean, what if you didn’t attach yourself to the outcome? What if you started in a direction and were open to changing direction based on what was laid out in front of you? What would happen if you found yourself not in the position you were determined to land? Would this be crushing to you?
This is all about getting your energy in alignment. No, I’m not spouting off, as one of my friends calls it, tree-hugging hippie rhetoric. Understanding this concept truly will make transition so much easier.
Let’s go back to the veteran who is determined to get the job they have their eyes set on. What would it look like if this person was letting it happen versus making it happen?
This person would have already done an internal assessment of what truly brings them joy and combined it with their skills and knowledge. They would be looking at a wider range of career options based on their soft skills. They would not be afraid to learn new skills by trying things outside of their comfort zone. They would learn more about things that interest them and would be curious about the people who are involved in those worlds.
They would look at their finances; and maybe engage a financial advisor to help get their budget in shape. They would know if they had to cut back while they transitioned. They would focus on mitigating bills and what income they need to pay the bills.
They would authentically network by giving back. Maybe volunteering at a nonprofit; asking a business to allow them to intern for free; or joining and giving time to a Chamber of Commerce. When people see people authentically giving of themselves, they are more apt to want to learn more about them and help them in their endeavors.
They would assess and re-evaluate when their intended plan is not working. They would not force the hand. Instead, ease off. Take a break. Breathe. Broaden their view. Look within. Be curious as to why it is not working. Ask themselves if it is the right time. Accept when the answer is, not now or not yet. It doesn’t mean not ever, it just means not at this moment.
Mel didn’t attach herself to the outcome. Yes, she was aiming to summit Mt. Everest, and she got a whole hell of a lot closer than any of us have (or probably will) come. When she hit obstacles, she initially ignored them and thought everything was fine. However, when those obstacles were not going away, she re-evaluated and with the help of others, she made the decision it was not her time, descended from the base camp, and did not regret her choice. If she had chosen to push through, I fear the outcome would have been potentially lethal. Have no fear, if I know Mel, she is already thinking about the potential for a next time.
Granted, that is an extreme situation. However, we are all, on some level, guilty of pushing through when we should have pulled back. Sometimes, the universe/God/insert your higher belief here has a way of putting us in these situations to prepare us for the future. If we are pushing too hard, we may miss the message.
So, my highly skilled and determined veteran friends, I’m throwing down a challenge! I want you to reflect on your situation and see if you are making it happen or letting it happen. If you are making it happen, ask yourself if it is working out like you intended. Does it feel forced? Do you feel like you are constantly pushing the ball uphill? Did you obtain your goal, only to find yourself unhappy? Do you notice you have to look for people, instead of people finding you? Is it hard to find people?
I say this with 100% certainty…all the answers are right there within yourself. All you have to do is quiet your mind and listen. It will not steer you wrong.
And if you are very bold and willing, share your thoughts on this post. You may be helping someone else struggling to let it happen.
