By Donna Hoffmeyer
(original post on Medium, Taking Off The Armor)
Last year was the big 5.0 for me. Both the version (5.0) and the age (50). I have no idea why I was dreading it so much. It is not like wrinkles and gray hair instantly popped up overnight. Nope. Those have been insidiously invading me for the last couple of years.
Maybe it is just the idea that I’ve lived half a century. It’s a damn milestone! A historical marker, like the Four Corners (where UT, AZ, CO, and NM all touch), should be placed in our front yard because it is a freaking accomplishment.
Maybe it is because in a decade I went from raising babies and toddlers to a tweenie and teen. I’m one of those more “mature” moms; having kiddos in my mid to late 30s. Their maturity seems to be a reminder of my mortality as a parent and person.
I’m not sure I can pinpoint an actual why. It is just a day with a new number attached to it. What this particular anniversary around the sun has done, is caused me to reflect on what I have and have not learned.
In all honesty, I think the more I know, the less I know. Nonetheless, I’ll share my lessons, in no particular order; some with a story, some just a statement. Maybe some of it will resonate, maybe it won’t. Either way, it won’t be the worst way to spend 9 minutes of your day.
Your perception creates your reality. To gain insight, you need more than one perception.
Yes, yes…I’ve heard the whole, if you know yourself then that is good enough. However, how do you get to know yourself? Hear me out for a minute.
In my mind, I’m understanding and open, but I’ve been told I can, at times, be a straight shooter/brash/cut ’em off at the knees.
I fundamentally believed doing right by my leadership is to give them all my knowledge (good and bad) to make an informed decision. Many people didn’t have the same belief, and it earned me all kinds of colorful names…black sheep, rogue, and pot stirrer are a few that I remember.
I described my high school self as just an average mousey brown-haired, boy-crazy, basketball-loving gal; and was surprised when a few guys told me years after high school, they had a crush on me, but I was “untouchable” (their words, not mine) because I was “going places” (wish I knew where that was).
The point is how we see ourselves on the inside may not be what is portrayed on the outside; or what people perceive the outside to be, may not be a true reflection of the inside. To fine-tune, you gotta take a look from many angles. However, discern what is helpful versus just hurtful.
Hardest person to face is the one in the mirror.
Try it one day. If you are 100% happy with what you see then you’re rocking it out…or fooling yourself.
No one grows during the good times.
Seriously, no one makes improvements when it is all going right. We make improvements when it is all going wrong…to make it all go right.
Be Fearless and Fail
Surviving failure leads to fearlessness. Once you realize it is not the end of the world, anything becomes possible.
If the same shit keeps happening over and over, you’re missing the lesson.
If your comment is, “Why does this keep happening to me?” maybe it’s time to figure it out.
Exploit the good character traits in people, not the bad.
If you are any type of leader, take this to heart. If you want a cohesive team, exploiting the worst in people for your gain doesn’t work. Do better.
Wisdom is knowing when holding is the best strategy.
When I was young in my career, I was a bit of a crusader. I loved to right the wrong, stick up for the little guy, stand for what I felt was right…and it rarely (as in never) mattered who I was standing up against. At the first hint of wrong-doing, I was off and running to set the record straight…and usually came out with egg on my face, simply because I didn’t have enough information. Our NCOIC in our office was able to see I had no malice, just (as the military phrase goes) a lot of thrust, and no vector.
He took me aside and told me he was going to play a game with me called Traffic Light. I was intrigued. If a scenario came up, I was to tell him first and he would say Red (not enough info, leave it alone), Yellow (some info, find out more before doing anything), or Green (proceed). In the year we played I think I got the green light only once.
This fed directly into this lesson…
Life is unfair. Know when to let it go.
I’m not saying let life run you over. I’m saying choose the battles worth fighting. You can spend a lifetime righting the wrongs of the world, or know when to move on and live life. Your choice.
We are right where we are supposed to be.
Like it or not, this is where we are supposed to be. Maybe it is a lesson we are learning. Maybe it is skills and knowledge we are gaining for future experiences. Maybe it is a period of time to make us stop and reflect. Maybe it is a period of rest for what is yet to come. Maybe we never find out why. Just know that at this exact moment, we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
Stop judging and assuming. You probably have no fucking idea.
Ahhhh…yes, judgment. We have all done it, and have all been victim to it. We tell stories in our head to make their actions make sense to ourselves…to fit our narrative. Just. Stop.
Support, challenge thoughts, seek to understand…but please don’t judge. And please…do not assume you know. You’re not in their shoes now, nor were you at the time the decision was being made.
Let your actions speak for you.
In my last job, I had a few peers who felt they needed to manage (control) me and determined the best way to do it was to paint an unflattering picture of me to other peers and senior leadership. I didn’t know this until after the fact, but it explained the enormous amount of resistance I encountered.
At one point I was working directly with a specific leader on a tough issue. I was surprised to find we were on the same page in our thought process and worked through the issue with ease. Months later, this person happened to be talking to a friend of mine, and in conversation, my name came up. They said to my friend, You know I worked close with Donna and she wasn’t any of those things people said.
Granted, I was less than pleased the person never came to talk to me directly. However, it was a lesson in actions versus words.
And in kind…
Believe what you see, not what you hear.
Years ago, I was assigned the job of Training Flight Commander. I was also new to my unit. Within a short amount of time, a few people were quick to come to tell me who was “good” and who was “not good.” I asked one of the “not good” nurses to set up a training day for the unit. The only rule was no death by powerpoint. It was probably one of the best training events the unit had seen. Yet, if I had listened to the voices, what an experience everyone would have missed out on.
Congruence of the person’s actions and words is just as critical. Over the years, I’ve found some of the biggest, most sincere, tender, and generous hearts hidden inside the toughest/standoffish personalities. I’ve also met some very charismatic personalities, whose actions were completely disingenuous. Watch closely, a person’s character will always show through their actions.
Perfectionism is an unhealed trauma.
I’m talking about the person you meet that every little facet of their life is in order. The super overachievers. They appear extremely organized and disciplined. Their desk is perfectly clean, not a sticky note around; their house is meticulous, the rug has vacuum marks, the menu is planned for each day, the table is set for breakfast the night before; their children are always dressed in color-coordinated outfits, hair is perfect; everything they do is perfect, perfect, perfect. It is exhausting just witnessing it.
Are they truly that perfect? Hardly. When their inner world feels out of control, they control what they can externally.
By the way…I love sticky notes.
You’re not responsible for the trauma done to you. You’re responsible for healing your trauma.
Read that again. It Is Not Your Fault. But, you have to figure out how to heal yourself.
If there is one lesson that has been life-changing, it is this. Let’s all just own and heal our shit. It’s not just keeping us from our best life, it’s keeping others from being part of our best life.
Because when we don’t…
Hurt hurts.
Think of an injured animal. What do they do when you try to help them? When you are trying to be kind to someone and they lash out, take a step back and give grace. More often than not, they are projecting their pain onto you. It has nothing to do with you, but more to do with their unhealed pain.
A good friendship is a worthy investment.
During a conversation with a close friend of mine, she said “You know, you are a really good friend.” Biggest compliment ever. I’ve always invested in my friendships. I’ve also been burned many times in the process…and I have no doubt someone is saying I’ve burned them too (and I’m sure I have.) It happens, we’re human. I am thankful for the many buttholes that I have crossed paths with; they helped me find the few gems I still hold dear today. And hopefully, in my butthole moments, I’ve helped a few people find their gems.
Love hard.
We have one shot at this life, and we have zero idea when it is going to end. We can either love or hate. It really is that simple. You’ll never go wrong loving others. We may not readily admit it, but we all need love. Sometimes it has to come with many boundaries, so if needs must, love from afar…but love anyway.
And remember…
It’s all going to work out somehow.
It may not be the way you want it to. Sometimes it works out better, sometimes not…and sometimes it seems it didn’t work out, only to find out it worked out for the best down the road. Either way, it’s going to work out.
So when we cannot see the outcome, just remember this…
Gratitude is everything
There is always something to be thankful for…always, always, always. I’m not saying there aren’t days I feel like I have been gut-punched and want to crawl up under the covers for the day. I’m not saying I want a repeat performance of crappier days…hell no!
What I am saying is something good comes out of every situation. Sometimes it cannot be seen for days, months, years, or even decades. It might be only a silver lining; or maybe, because of that situation, you are able to dodge future similar situations. (Ummm, that is also called learning a lesson…see above.)
Actively seek gratitude. The more you look for it, the easier it is to find.
I know someone reading this carefully is asking, So Donna, what are the lessons you haven’t learned? Fair enough…
Balance
In my world, this looks like two fat kids jumping on and off one side of the teeter-totter, while the scrawny kid on the other side is flip-flopped like a line cook flipping a pancake. Sometimes I’m nervous to start a project because I know there is a high chance it will consume my mind. Learning to take a break and go to something else, has always been an enormous challenge for me.
This goes hand in hand with….
Boundaries
It’s a work in progress for this old empath. I want to help, collaborate, brainstorm…which isn’t a problem. The problem is I struggle to say no when I have a full plate, and end up with my plate overflowing. I’m getting better at it…but the journey is long for this lesson.
Patience
Mmmmhmmmm….ask my children. It’s a perpetual work in progress.
So there you have it…a half-century of life lessons. I think I’ve done a decent job learning a lesson or two over the first half of my life. However, I will say there is one disappointing part with turning 50.
I’m not nearly as wise as I thought I would be. (Now if we are talking wise-ass, wellllll….)
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a ton of lessons…but mastered very few of them. Guess I know what I’ll be doing in the second half of the century.
